bright lights, loud noises

I went to get breakfast 
and the morning looked dirty, not unpleasant
but grey and dirty, tired 
and I made a wrong turn and
wound up behind the wrong diner 
and I thought about going in anyway because, you know, shit is all the same 
but
then I thought about you and how it was important to you
that people have standards 
and even though you left me a long time ago it’s still important to me
to impress you, 

so I put the car in reverse
and pulled out of the lot and found the access road again, I
could see the faces of some of the people 
through their car windows as they drove beside me, their faces
expressionless,
the way I’m sure mine is expressionless
and it started to rain
it came down instantly and in sheets, blocks, cascades, torrents…
however you want to put it
there was no warning, just sudden water,
sudden relief.

i made it to the diner,
the right one
and they put me in a booth
and I know one of the waitresses
a little bit so
we talked about nothing:
“HOW ABOUT THIS RAIN!”
“YES, THE RAIN!”
“HOW ABOUT IT?”
“RAIN”
“WET!”
“SO WET!”
I was in love with her but
only in a mild way,
I wouldn’t drive to her place
at midnight, my mind howling in
pain, looking for comfort
but maybe I’d think about her
after a few drinks,
toy with the idea of vacations on
a coast, buckets full of crabs
and straw hats.

and
she smiled as she
set down the coffee,
“COFFEE!”
“THANK YOU!”
the rain was beating the hell
out of the window
it almost made me
get out my phone
and call you,
say, “remember this or that?”,
“you’ll never guess where I am right now”
“ya, I saw him/her last month!”
“those were the times!  can you believe we
were like that!” “yes, good, old times!”
and it would be
nice but also
incredibly heartbreaking
and
unbearable.

then
I forgot almost everything
as I picked up the
menu.

i don’t really 
want you at all
but i think about
you when it’s inconvenient
around 2 or 3 am

and when i can
get the money
together
i’ll fly out to new york to
see her

i’ll stand on bleeker
drunk
like they do in good songs

i’ll flag down a cab
and
ride it up to
her
on the shores
of central park

and before I go up
those goddamn stairs
i’ll buy a pack of cigarettes
burn the 9, 10, 11 dollars
whatever they cost now
and i’ll smoke the first
in years

stare at the horses
feel 
a little bad for them
and hungry

“this is a bad month”
you told me over
monday coffee

and I disagreed
but
didn’t have the
energy to argue

I cared less than
you could imagine

I watched the rain
splash
and pile over the
curb

it was
raining
finally

you can build love like
music and fire,

explain the shape
of falling water,

you can
watch the
dust strain through sunlight

you’re on my mind
for the first time
in months
and I know
that if I sat down
and wrote about
you
the
re-examining of images
and moments
and the frustration of
trying to come up with
the right words
would
get rid of those inconvenient
thoughts 

but
I think I’ll
save it
for another
day

the kiss was like
biting
into
a fruit that was out of print
and
i put my
hand right above your
ass,
on your hip.

movies can’t get it right

we got it right
or just about as close as
you can get

we
were nature,
science,
the odds,

we
were something

bring music into this
lonely room,

not real music,
your music—

I think you
know what that means—

come on,
quit holding out,

I know you 
and your kind,

I’ve had you and your
kind,

I’ve loved you
years ago

and if I had
a little better
outlook on life

I’d have the stomach
to tell you this,
print it out
for you
and say something like
“this is a trail of blood
from when some bitch stabbed me
years ago,”

and you’d laugh
and I’d laugh
because sometimes it’s hard to
know what to
do

we are
fastened
in
invisible arms,

stuck
deep down
in the beds
of people
we
slept with
a long time
ago

we
are failures in
every imaginable way
but
we
laugh loudly

and maybe you
can hear us
with the windows down
at a stoplight

she 
pulled the plant
over a bit
and
hopped on the
pot,
she looked up over the transom
and saw
david there,

he was smoking
and
writing what looked to be
a letter,

he was writing it longhand
and
he paused

every 20 seconds or
so
looking at nothing really,
looking past the paper.

she felt someone grab her
leg and
her heel sunk into
the soil—
it was fresh
like it had just
rained or
something.

when you bring me your love
don’t use teaspoons,
use a pitchfork

and don’t
use your words,
use your hands

and when your
feet swing off my bed
and touch
the ground
be sure they
spark

you’ve got talent
and soul which is
such a rare mix
and when you get upset and
throw yourself into someone else’s
arms
i just don’t think about it,
i go buy coffee,
turn off my brain,

it’s easy,

the girl at the fast food window
is nice, she’s skinny and a little
bit sad, but she covers it well
with a smile and she explains the
price to me
and I hand her the cash
and I get the short styrofoam
cup
and
we leave each others’
lives forever,

maybe